I think one way to have better success with a non-frugal spouse is to highlight efficency/waste rather than deprivation.

For example, lets say your wife wants a designer item. Instead of saying no, concentrate on getting it the least expensive way. Maybe buy a gently used item on ebay. I get $125 shoes I love for $25 this way. Once your spouse sees that it’s not about giving up what they want, but not being wasteful so they can have *more* of what they want, I think they may come around. Then, once frugal habits are established it is difficult to go back to being a spendthrift.

Enjoyed the post and all the follow-up discussions.

After many years, I have to say that my husband tells terrible jokes, so all has not worked out as planned.

Weight gain is not necessarily a sign of immaturity. There could be a number of other subtle mechanisms at play.

For example, I was bordering on overweight when I lacked confidence in dealing with people. Over-eating was helping to cope emotionally. And extra weight acted as an excuse to avoid taking opportunities and putting myself into situations I felt uncomfortable with due to insecurity.

When I gained confidence and feeling of security I lost weight and became more active. But to do that, I had to accept myself and have people close to me who accepted me as I was.

If I had a spouse who’d be paying attention to it all the time? I would have NEVER gotten to the place of security in my head that I needed to actually make change. And I know it because my mother, whom I am very close with, acted the same way as you – from pointing out the problem to moving to helping to fix it. Did not work at all! She also did not believe in unconditional love – but she had to learn the hard way to stop pointing that out.

I know I wouldn’t successfully lose weight with my hubby having that attitude…HOWEVER, one of my best friends writes an awesome blog about weight loss/eating healthfully not as self-control, but as self-care…maybe if you could get your wife to follow that shift in thinking, it would be easier for her and you. Just offering some thoughts. If you’re interested the blog is http://www.aprovechar.danandsally.com

Amanda

You got me on that one. I’m lucky so far because my husband likes to be active on vacation like me, even though he could lose a few pounds. I would be frustrated with a spouse who couldn’t be active. I’m not sure I would want to divorce him over it, but it would reduce marital harmony. But then again, few marriages are super compatible.

On the other hand, I do a lot of active things with other people besides my spouse because he can’t keep up with the level physical activity I like to take part in on a regular basis. Lucky for me I have a couple of very fit sisters who live nearby, as well as me enjoying doing activities solo.

You are right; it does boil down to personal values.
Have a great day!

Yvie

Of course it ultimately comes down to which values are very important to you. The main problem is asymmetry. If one person in the couple has saved while the other has spent, can the former reasonably choose to upgrade their lifestyle if the other is still struggling to pay credit card bills? Or for a vacation, suppose the active person would prefer an “active vacation” and the sedentary would prefer a “sedentary vacation”. Should the former be forced to always pick the latter because the latter is simply incapable of the former?

While your approach may sound noble, doesn’t look like it’s working. Lots of spouses have tried to get their significant others to lose weight, and the results have been the opposite.

Someone being a bit overweight and someone who is wrecking the family finances are two different issues in my opinion. Wrecking the family finances, infidelity, breaking the law, etc. severely impinges on the other spouse, and that is where a partner has a right to try and put a stop to it. Somebody being a little overweight or out of shape does not qualify to me as a deal breaker. If it did, the divorce rate might reach about 75% in the US!

I think once two people are married, they have a responsibility to each other. One of those responsibilities is not to let themselves go and also consider how their actions might affect their partner whether that comes down to health, finances, breaking the law, not sleeping with other people, leaving the toilet seat up, or whatever. After all most actions impinge on the other in some way. Some of these (like the toilet seat are ridiculous) but some of them are potential deal breakers. For instance, I am just not going to be dragged down into a bankruptcy due to my partner’s spending behavior while accepting my partner’s choice as that of a mature person. If that was the case, I’d eventually seek a divorce. Same with the health. In my book, love in not unconditional, and sometimes it needs to be tough.

I hope you don’t mind me saying this Jacob, but the way you address your wife does not sound like an equal partnership. You sound more like a disciplinarian parent than an equal spouse. I assume she is a grown adult and that she can make decisions regarding her own health. It may not be what you want but it is her choice to make. The only way you can maybe get away with this is if her weight is impinging on some joint activities: maybe she’s lost interest in doing activities with you because she’s too out of shape.

I know that as a wife, if my husband nagged me to do certain things, I would probably end up doing the opposite, as I don’t like to be bossed around like a child. Immature on my part perhaps, but I don’t think I’m alone in reacting this way.

My 2 cents,

Yvie

@Eric – Well, I would suggest finding some simple living friends and start doing things with them. Maybe the wife can be invited on occasion to get a better idea of the left field. If she’s a normal consumer she probably thinks simple living is about living in squalor. In terms of the house, maybe claim some territory. Say that “you decorate this room” and “I decorate that room”. Then make your room the way you want. I think the kitchen is the command center of the house. If you can claim that (just offer to do all the cooking), it’s easy to get rid of the electric can opener, the ice cream maker, and the three different kinds of blenders. Just say they take up space so you put them in the closet and what does she care anyway since you’re the one doing the cooking. In terms of selling stuff .. wow! Well, one thing you could do is to stop buying new stuff and trade your old stuff away for whatever you need.

My DH isn’t bad on the big picture, and he likes to see the savings accumulate, but the day to day spending decisions are not where I would like them to be…although, that said, when I look back, there have been major changes over the years!

I think how upset my job makes, combined with following by example, has made him come around some, however. He was very resistant to putting money in an emergency fund at first, for example. He argued that paying down our mortgage was a better investment–and it is, percentage-wise, but when having a major car repair throws our whole life askew, having even a few thousand dollars cushion is incredibly valuable. When I got a raise I starting putting $150/month into savings nonetheless – and when hubby saw that we could get through a major car repair without even blinking, he was sold on it.