It used to be that the drinking class was able to enjoy a beer with their dinner and feel pretty secure and in control of their intake. A good beer or a glass of wine with dinner has been recommended as a healthy part of one’s diet. Not only does it reduce heart disease, it also creates a nice atmosphere at the dinner table. Yet over the past few years, the previously secure and merry drinking class has been struggling.

Following a switch to first two beers, then three beers, and then harder liquor, life has changed dramatically for the drinking class. Many are now waking up with massive headaches and no recollection of what happened the day before, and they don’t understand why or what is happening to them.

Many have even woken up in strange places with really bad breath and some weird dreams about talking on a big telephone.

It used to be that more fun-loving drinkers would put a beer in the fridge just before they went to bed, so they could alleviate the headache the next day and keep it going that way. This is kinda like opening up a new credit card to pay off the last one, but I digress.

However, now many have found themselves drinking so much that they are completely out of booze. These unfortunate souls now suffer from uncontrollable shaking or worse.

It is clear to me that we have all been taken advantage of by an evil cabal of liquor stores and bartenders. When we asked for more drinks, they gave them to us. Worse, they even made up new funny drinks and sold them to us even as we were getting pretty pi$$ed already.

Sure, some self-righteous teetotalers tell us that we should drink in moderation or not at all and be a little more responsible in our drinking–that this hangover is our own fault–but I don’t see it that way. Besides, a lecture is really the last thing you want to hear when it feels like someone is hitting your head with a big club over and over.

What we need to do is get together so we can gripe about our collective hangovers, and we also need to get the government in on it, to provide more booze and restart the party. I believe half a bottle of rum would cure most hangovers. The government should step in and regulate the booze supply, because we demand and deserve it. How else are we going to get rid of this hangover?

This is my call to action!

What are we waiting for?!

Disclaimer: If you’re new here, you might have missed the irony above. I am in no way in favor of bailouts (free booze or credit) one way of the other. Also I don’t think anyone deserves any more than what they can produce.