Lately I has been made clear to me that a life without buying things can not possibly make me happy. For one, I also realized that people would have a hard time knowing what I stand for when I do not associate myself with brand name lifestyles(*). It has also been made obvious to me that status and success is best demonstrated by purchasing expensive things. For instance, in LA many girls will not date a guy if he does not drive a car beyond a particular pricerange (say $25,000 and up). Now, this is not a problem if it weren’t for my growing sense that I do not show DW the proper amount of respect by not driving an expensive car. After all, if I ride a bike, I clearly have no respect for myself, so why should she respect me.
(*) I became a pacifist after losing my sense of taste in the Cola Wars.
Thus in order to become a more respectable citizen, or dare I say, patriotic consumer, I have devised a list of tips that I believe will help me as well as some of the frugal (I feel your pain!) readers. Without further ado, here goes.
- Try to buy a can of pop. If you’re ready for it, pay 45c for it at a vending machine. Getting 2 liter bottles for 69c to save money is cheap. Also, whenever you buy groceries, get the small package. After all, buying bulk is for poor people and evil Europeans. In general, the more packaging the better.
- Watch commercials. Try to let them influence your emotions. When you buy the things in the commercials, you become like the people in the commercials. It’s true, because everything on TV is true.
- Buy a cell phone. The important thing is to get a plan that will continuously drain your wallet. Also, tt has been scientifically proven that it is impossible to show up for appointments on time, nay even to live without a cellphone, so what are you waiting for?
- Just do it!
- It is okay to pay cash as long as you purchase something spontaneously, but you should really try to use a credit card. Paying cash makes you uncool and you’re disturbing the flow(!)
- Never pay off the balance. Keeping a balance builds your credit. Building your credit is-very-important.
- Set the AC to 65F in the summer. Then put on a sweater if you’re cold. Set the heating to 75F in the winter. Then wear shorts if you’re hot.
- Talk to your cable company about premium subscriptions. Switch on some channels you never watch. Premium channels demonstrate your power and success to visitors.
- Speaking of visitors. Have they already seen your furniture? If it is already more than a year old, it is time to replace it. Delay interest payments until 2012 when you have a better paying job, guaranteed.
- Start a collection. The best collections take up a lot of space and aren’t worth anything. I recommend figurines.
- Park your car in the street and prepare to put things in your garage.
- Pay someone else to do you a favor. Like give you a ride, cook your dinner, mow your lawn, walk your dog, watch your children, cut your hair, nails, etc. You deserve it.
- Pick something you own and buy a replacement, a so-called “upgrade”. Put the old one in the garage, there’s room.
- New is good. Old is bad. Ignorance is strength. Repeat after me.
- If something has a sale sign on it, a savvy consumer should always buy it regardless. It may become useful some day. Until then, store it in the garage. Or give it to friends. Never underestimate the extreme gratitude people show when you give them useless junk, yo!
Wow, writing this list makes me feel like a complete amateur. Where are the consumer blogs?
Originally posted 2008-07-11 07:09:44.