I have become increasingly introverted over time, so maybe I was never a ‘real’ extrovert. Still, I certainly have had the experience in the past of feeling like I needed more interaction with people and, especially when living abroad alone in my early twenties, had lots of tricks for getting enough social time. All of your suggestions sound good to me–even the dog, when I think of it, can help you meet people.

In the past, I’ve found it quite sufficient to join up with a group of people who are out doing something I’d be doing anyway: I’ve done biking, hiking and Frisbee with groups of people that I can meet up with and join when I feel like it. Also, I’ve organized language conversation exchanges (which is perfect if you want to learn something AND be around people) and writing groups (which help you come out of hiding if you spend lots of time alone writing).

Then you can also meet your need for interaction by shopping in the same place over and over (not at a super market where the cashier looks to be on the brink of suicide). You can also ride public transportation! Is it just me or do people talk to you whether you like it or not when you take the bus?

This comment is meant for your last 2 posts.

There are many times when i enjoy reading your posts. Most of the time they include strong personal opinions and a clear point of view which is really good to maintain in order to make your stories worth reading. This one however, was not one which i enjoyed reading that much.

Although i fully agree with your point of view and you’ll probably have a hard time finding more introvert people than your core group of readers (including myself). I felt like you described extrovert people as being weaker and less developed. They spend their time doing useless stuff just to fulfill their needs, while introvert people are here to rule the world.

I can’t stop but think about how introvert people are seen by common society. In general people see introverts as people with little communication skills and poor relationships. Nothing could be more wrong however.

I get the feeling you’re doing exactly the same, except in the opposite direction. You’re creating an image of extrovert people being inferior and therefore have some sort of illness which they can’t cure, but only deal with.

In this case, i’d prefer yout previous statement “live and let die” instead of “live and KILL!!”

@Matthijs – I have to agree with Marcy on this one and this was the spirit the posts were written in. I have spent 30some years being told I am shy because I don’t seek out small-talk, that I am not having fun because I don’t go out, that being outgoing is good and not being outgoing is mentally defective, that being a loner explains all sorts of criminal behavior (fact: extraverts are more likely to be involved in delinquency, introverts are more likely to be gifted), etc.

Over the years, I have seen and listened to too many books and articles and people that being an introvert is a disorder or a defect one must learn to cope with or overcome to be successful which implies being more like an extravert. It is hard to know whether this “correction” is well-intended, but it does exhibit a certain passive-aggressiveness by casting the explanation entirely in extravert terms e.g. Introverts are like … and they have a hard time doing [extravert things]. They are focused on … and are unhappy in [extravert situation]. See for instance this http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/the_introvert
which I am sure was well-intended but exhibits exactly what you did not like in the two posts but in the other direction, where I cast extravert behavior in introvert terms e.g. “Some extraverts aren’t stereotypically airheads and actually enjoy thinking about things before they open their mouth”. That is not the nicest way of putting it and not even accurate (Few extraverts are airheads and practically all can think before they speak if they have to), but it is symmetric to most of the commentary on introverts.

I think I have been on a streak of shooting back the past couple of weeks with posts to the effect that the “everybody likes” or “everybody are like this” sentiment is not true. This tends to get some people riled up (see the comments in the travel post); probably because they never hear things like that. On the other hand, a minority of people is subjected to this on an ongoing basis.

I have noticed that introverts seem to get this much easier than extroverts. When I try to explain it to extraverts, they nod and agree and then go right on with their past behavior having either not listened or learned nothing. I suppose it is to be expected.
So my introvert response is like this 🙂
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGF1NP-FrCU

Um . . .I’m almost afraid of having my head bitten off.

I find the whole Meyers Briggs thing interesting, but suspect as well . . . remember, we’re applying these flat labels to people and no one is either wholly extroverted or introverted. Second, I’ve been harassed a bit and pressured to ‘have more fun’ by extreme extrovert types and even dragged to the occasion party where I find myself hiding against a wall and trying sneak out early–all this for my own good;) But I’ve been downright flamed in certain discussions online because I have some extroverted traits. I find people call me introverted or extroverted depending on how I measure to them.

By the way, Marcy, I’m not sure that the people nagging you and refusing to go away at the bus stop are only extroverted–sounds like they also have a problem being appropriate and reading non-verbal cues. Sometimes on public transportation, you really have to put your foot down, or you’ll end up hearing some lonely person’s entire life story every time.

$10 for a beer? I’m glad I live in a cheaper part of the country.

As usual, your post is a thought-provoking one, for me especially because I am technically an extrovert. If you ask anyone that knows me, they would label me an extrovert as well, and yet:

1. I absolutely LOVE BEING ALONE ALL DAY. It’s my favorite kind of a day. I read, write, exercise, clean, garden, knit, nap, play the piano, and then read some more. (Perhaps this is because I was an only child?)

2. I NEVER strike up conversations with strangers when I’m out and about. I keep to myself, I’m not really interested in having conversations with people I don’t know.

3. I am VERY uncomfortable at large parties where I don’t know anyone (or know very few people). Even parties where I do know everyone, if they are big, I am not comfortable.

I absolutely love being retired and don’t miss the workplace people-environment at all. Yeah, I don’t have people to talk to all day, but these weren’t people I would have chosen to talk with if it weren’t for the fact that I worked with them. I only keep in touch with one of my old workmates, the one that I had formed a relationship with outside of my work life.

I do get small doses of people time: two days a week I meet a friend for lunch and another for a walk. I go to writing class–I enjoy those people as well, but haven’t felt compelled to pursue relationships with them outside of class.

I can’t explain why I probably sound more like an introvert than an extrovert, but I think maybe some peoples’ idea of what an extrovert is (for example wanting to be around people ALL THE TIME), may not be all that accurate. With regard to Myers Briggs, that designation really reflects where you get your energy from only (and I have generally enough of that on my own, only small doses of people necessary.)

It doesn’t NECESSARILY mean that we enjoy mindless chatter, or meaningless conversations, or even small talk. I have to have an actual connection with someone to be energized by an interaction with them–and that’s not easy to get with strangers or at huge cocktail parties.

From the tone of the last few posts, it seems that what retirement means for an introvert is withdrawing so completely from socitey that you become a great big jerk.

I find socializing to be a big pain, however I’m usually pleasantly surprised at the warmth people show me. Even if they don’t know how to relate to me.

@hickchick – What I find interesting is that if the tables are turned symmetrically, the extroverts act all butthurt about it. I’m sure that some extroverts are well-intended, but the prevailing attitudes (extroverts and introverts alike) are similar to those (deluded) people who think that homosexuality is a mental disease one must learn to cope with or get over in order to be happy. Now, I see this passive-aggressive assumption, but very many people (extroverts in particular) do not. So if I turn the tables and make it clear by describing extroverts in introvert terms rather than in extrovert terms,
then … *BAM* we have a problem. While I did it here, ordinarily I do not go around and explain extroverts as being analytically retarded, thoughtless, or uninteresting. However, if I had a dollar for each time I had heard the word shy, unhappy, quiet, (a)lone(r) … being used for an introvert.

@Retired Syd – I like socializing too if and only if it can be done selectively with either a small number of well-known people (I’ll talk a lot) or for a short period of time with more unknown people. I don’t talk much to people I do not know unless I have no choice in which case I do… otherwise I am listen and analyze. From what you describe, it seems we enjoy socializing on similar levels. [I do not like restaurants because the background noise are typically too loud to hear what people are saying.]
Extroverts enjoy meeting strangers as well and the longer the party lasts and the bigger it is, the better they feel. The best way to tell the two apart is probably by the word “selectively”.

OK, I can put myself in an intravert’s shoes and see that some social marginalization occurs with the “shy” labeling. Nevertheless, I don’t believe this justifies a similar “truth to power” rant against extraverts.

Bottom line, people are different. Neither extraverts nor intraverts are “better” in virtue of this personality trait.

If small talk annoys or drains you as an intravert, then walk away. But recognize that the extravert who is enjoying it will be disappointed. Sometimes, the selfless approach is to sacrifice our own preferences for the sake of the other, particularly if that other is a friend or loved one. Disappointing a stranger, on the other hand, shouldn’t sting that much. Why should their grumbling ruffle your feathers so much?

Having said all that, I am a bit wearied by all the exploration of personality types. I went through a phase in my late twenties where I delved deeply into thepersonality theories of Myers-Briggs, Kiersey,the Enneagram, and Jungian psychology. No one has successfully produced validated correlation studies to elevate the field of personality psychology to the level of rigor enjoyed by chemistry or physics; so it is ultimately a very personal exploration. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt! Can we who are fascinated by ERE move on?

@Marcy: Very well put!

Jacob,

I’m an introvert but wish I could be more of an extrovert. In fact I wish more introverts can become more extroverted because I’m sure introverts have explored many ideas which aren’t properly put out there to a wider audience to be discussed. It’s always the extroverts that get their loud opinions heard and that may be the big problem. It’s the squeaky wheels that get the oil.

But like you said, having the internet might give the edge back to the intoverts. I hope that will be the case.

Read “The Successful Self” by Dorothy Rowe.
It costs 0.01c + pp on amazon.com

Just to further complicate things, here is a self-test: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm
for The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron’s work. Some might find, as I did, that it hits a little closer to home than Myers Briggs. Rich inner life is part of the profile, often, but not always, introversion too.

Regardless, if we are interested in the topics of ERE, frugality, the conserver lifestyle, independent thinking, etc. we are accustomed to feeling like something of an alien in American culture & have made our own accommodations with that, with more or less success & sometimes across many years. I believe it is worth resisting the impulse to rank these qualities, though. Engaging “us-them” tendencies just isolates further, at least in my experience.

Long time reader, but never commented, but I had to have my 2 cents on this topic!

Introversion and extroversion really have nothing to do with how “shy” someone is or how intelligent! Introverted people CAN be better communicators and better at socialising. What matters is where do you get your “stimulus” from?

Extroverted people feed off outside stimulus, that’s why you usually find them in social situations. They feed off the energy and variety of the activities around them. It gets their brains ticking, it gives them steam to think and dream. The world is their play pen, where they can create realities with others.

Introverts get their energy from internal stimulus. External activities will have a “draining” effect over long periods, since they are not allowed the time and space to connect with their internal self. Their rich inner world is so important and exciting to them, that no outside approval, activity or recognition will ever compare. Their minds are an eternal retreat of vast imagination and possibility.

You can have boring extroverts that small talk all day, like you can have introverts that kill in poker because they read people’s emotions like a book, like you can have extroverts that are hugely successful in business start-ups, and introverts that spend all day on the most mundane solitary task.

Can you guess which one I am?

there are plenty of things for extroverts, especially if you live in a big enough city.

there’s all sorts of clubs that have meetings, lunches, regular speakers that sometimes are free to attend. for instance, my dad goes to a monthly meeting which they discuss the civil war and have speakers.

you just have to seek them out. it’s actually surprising how local clubs want new members, but their outreach is piss poor. i’ve been looking for a chess club for adults in Houston, a city of 4 million and hadn’t found one; but i’m sure one exists.

you might also look for local traveling clubs that go to other locales or sports events. those could more money than you want to part with, but you’ll be finding other extroverts there.

As with a lot in Life, things are not “black and white”, but grey-ish. It is not a Binary thing, you either are Introvert, or Extrovert, there are varying degrees. Me personally, I am a bit on the Edge between Introvert/Extrovert. I love social activities, the bonding with people, but I can easily step back in my cocoon for a week, only with my wife, reading books, blogging, hobbying, or whatever is the wish of the day.

Thanks for this post Jacob; it acknowledges some challenges I’m having. As an extravert, it’s been pretty lonesome being at home while everyone’s at work all day long. I miss the social interactions in my previous jobs but not enough to go back.

As you said, it’s easy to find ways to interact with people. The main challenge is to find fun, fulfilling, consistent activities with people I like. Some things that help me deal: live with nice flatmates, have friends over, take acting & music classes, attend concerts, get more involved in the arts, stay in hostels when traveling, take extended trips to see friends/family.

Btw, the confusion about introvert vs. extravert was settled for me by just considering how one “recharges”: from being alone vs. from being with others. I enjoy many solitary activities (e.g. reading, practicing music) but I have a strong need to interact frequently with people I like.