In this new series of posts I give popular personal finance advise in an easily digestible list format of tips, reasons, things, and so on. I will tell you how you too can be rich, good-looking, or perhaps just plain awesome by adopting these amazing insights which have been developed by a real PhD. Also watch out of link bait posts with titles ending with a question mark e.g. “Can you really afford not to have a car?” (You know you want to click on them so you can disagree right?) and if I can afford it, there will even be free stock photos in the top corner at some point with some mild relevance to the topic.

In recent years so-called progressive cities have started increasing the development of sidewalks and bike paths thus rendering us even less safe as if we did not have enough things to worry about? Here are the top 5 reasons why sidewalks are unsafe.

1) A sidewalk allows poor people, who otherwise can not afford to buy a car,
to more easily get around when they are out stealing our stuff. Eliminating sidewalks has been proven to keep people, who can not afford to drive, off the streets and away from our developments. How can anyone enjoy living in Tranquil Pines if we constantly have to be fearful of looters who could use a sidewalk to walk right up to our homes?

2) Sidewalks and, worse, bike paths take up precious parking space. Not only is it inconvenient to park further away, it is also unsafe. I’m not talking about the other people on the sidewalk who are clearly poor and criminal. I am talking about engaging in the intense labor of walking without consulting with your physician before you engaging in such an exercise regime(*). With health care costs being where they are today, who can afford your doctor’s co-pay for a medical check up? Besides, there probably sidewalks instead of parking spaces around the doctor’s office too, leaving you in a terrible catch-22.

(*) We know from TV that “regimes” are evil. Exercise regimes are, therefore, also evil.

3) Walking is dangerous. Driving a small car widely believed to be less safe than driving an SUV and thus it must be true. Obviously, then driving no car at all is the unsafest of all. We can all do our part to enhance our safety by driving the biggest SUV we can afford. I want something like this one. Since there are more head injuries from falling while walking than from cycling, it is best to keep a walking helmet handy in the car in case you do need to exit the car, for instance, to fill up the tank.

4) Sidewalks often have lines where the slabs come together. Now I have it on good authority (a friend of mine back in kindergarten) that stepping on these lines can be deadly or at least bring all sorts of bad luck. For safety reasons, I have never tested this theory myself, but I heard of a guy who wasn’t very careful and later he got his arm ripped off in a centrifuge. Q.E.D.

5) Sidewalks encourage graffiti. Soon you will find young gang members using their chalk all over the sidewalk to play hopscotch. We all know that hopscotch is just a gateway to more organized activities. Preventing our children from getting involved in these activities are just further reason to turn our sidewalks into parking spaces.

As always, stay safe and worried.

Any information shared within this post is provided for entertainment purposes only. The author is not a professional walker and has never been licensed to walk. No specific advice is intended (so this post is pretty much useless). You are advised to discuss you shoe size with your shoemaker and your sidewalks with your urban planner.