The more you know the more you realize you do not know, because increasing understanding reveals details which you have yet to understand. If you are looking forwards learning it thus becomes an uphill battle against uncertainty. If you’re looking backwards as is very tempting, you will remain forever ignorant and grounded.

The battle for knowledge and even love is therefore a search for closure. When closure obtains, you can cap off the system like a blob of plasma and be on your way. It’s a plateau on the curve, a brief resting spot on a life-long trek which feels like a mud slide.

As one grows mentally, one surrounds oneself with more and more closed systems which answers and fends off all ignorance within that system. One learns with an intensity of true love but the motives are sometimes bad. One does not learn because one has something to give, but because one does not want to feel alone and defenseless.

Learning is not for everybody, it is only for those who live through their mind. Those who feel deeply rather than think deeply will suffer from never really knowing who they truly are and whether their actions reflect the person they feel they are. I do not think they feel defenseless. I think they feel lost or as if they have lost something.

Those who do not think in abstract terms will not have this problem, because their minds are not continuously striving to connect the white zones of ignorance between the dots of their knowledge. They do not see the overall structure, so they do not see what is missing and therefore they do not feel unsure of their knowledge. They know what they know because they think they have seen all there is to see and felt all there is too feel. They have little imagination and can not see possibilities and alternative way of connecting the dots. Therefore they are easily capable of obtaining closure.

Sometimes I envy that. The confidence in claiming that I do not have to learn anything new. That I do not need to question my beliefs and knowledge. That I can simply claim that I am right and all is good and that is the end of it. But what kind of life is this? How big is the universe with such an attitude? What is there to seek out?

Some day I hope to say, I have been everywhere and I found what I was looking for. At that point the universe will be exactly as large as I can make or understand it.